It's 2008. Do you know where your Terrible Decisions are?

Just a quick post. Pat and I are on vacation because fuck you. We deserve it.

I don't have any great shakes to post decision-wise. But I'll leave you this true story.

I had a nightmare last night. You remember "What Women Want" ? Where Mel Gibson hears women's innermost thoughts? Me neither.

My dream was a movie trailer. There's a new movie hitting theaters: "What Men Want". Starring Jackie "Please kill me before I make another Rush Hour" Chan and, of course, Chris "Die in a Fire" Tucker.

The plot was simple: Jackie Chan got into an accident and could hear women's thoughts. And he shared this with Chris. The strange thing is, all the thoughts were pretty raunchy. Jackie and Chris were shitting their pants with joy!

That's not the nightmare. The nightmare is that I woke up instantly at 8, and realized that movie is probably already in production.

Yours,
-Andy

Some news! Or-- "You did WHAT to her?!"

Hi, Andy here. Pat and I have achieved a breakthrough. It seems that a lot of you, our dear friends and readers, have bad experiences of their own they want to share with the world. Maybe we're a bit alike in our talents. We have decided to open up the comment boards, so that you can post your tragicomedies. Just click on the "Comment" link after every post. You don't have to be a blogspot member to post. This means, even if you don't care to post, look for upcoming reader submitted stories under the comments pages. Together we can make the world a better place, one black eye at a time. Here is a hypothetical situation that might have happened to me on May 18th, 2007. Maybe.

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I am an English major. Let me paint you a picture.

You are at an outdoor party. A girl you know beckons to you. "Andy! Come over!" Now she whispers "There's this creepy guy that's hitting on me. What I want you to do is punch me, and then we'll play-fight and he'll go away."

"That is ridiculous, (name of girl)," you say, "it would look awful. I am not hitting you."

But she pleads. And begs. It's the only way to get him to leave her alone. You want to help her out, so finally you consent. But here's the thing: you're drunker than you thought. So that love tap is actually a full on stomach punch. POW IN THE BREADBASKET! So, maybe she goes down like a sack of flour. Maybe you think to yourself "It's all right, we're just playing!" Hypothetically, five girls crowd around her, help her to her feet, and stare at you like you are the root of all suffering in the world. You cause famine in Calcutta. Hurricane Katrina? That was you.

"It's cool!" you assure them, "We're just joking around!"

Suppose she starts crying. Bawling. Suppose all 40 party members hear her over the PA blasting Sean Paul, and turn to you. And you say "I-- should go." And walk away.

Lastly, suppose the day that took place was your school's official "National Domestic Violence Awareness Day".

(Hypothetically) Yours,

-Andy

Introducing Pat

This is Pat, not Andy. Like girls and math, we don't understand technology. But lets set the record straight. We may not make smart decisions, ever, but if you sat in an English class with either of us, or philosophy, and we made a comment, you would be highly impressed with our intelligence and then wonder where that intelligence went when we thought it would be a good idea to yell back blindly at someone who has insulted you on the train, only to find out you have threatened to beat down a 8 year old. And then yell anyways. Though that may sound just mean, when you consider that thought was put into the action, its dumb.
So we're smart, but make terrible decisions with a passion. Often I find myself looking at my future, with the good decision on one hand, and the terrible one on the other. With glee I throw myself towards doom.
As Andy said, not all bad decisions involve alchohol, but some do. My most recent decision has both. Let me blog about it.
I have had trouble lately deciding between two girls, one of whom offers a relationship, the other just trouble and maybe occasional fun. See, right there! Already a normal person doesn't even debate this, they go for the healthy, happy relationship. But no, for me, this is a drawn out painful decision. Eventually, one Sunday night, with finals hovering over my head and a fifth of rum sitting behind me, I have an idea.
I can't make this decision because I'm not loose enough, I don't have the right mindset. But maybe, maybe if I get drunk, reallllly drunk, I can find out. The test? See who I text more. Whichever girl I send more rambling, pathetic drunk texts to, that is the girl I choose. I'm a romantic at heart. So, after consulting with friends all telling me its a terrible idea, I start drinking.
By the end of the night, I have a clear victor, my drunken self has made a decision for the rest of me. Now, the thing about that? Well, sometimes, later, your sober self disgrees with your drunk self. But it's already gone ahead and ensured some consequences for you. Like forcing a conversation with the lady, where you have to avoid explaining why exactly you were drinking and texting her on a Sunday night. And you have to go back on the decision that your drunk self made, which is awkward.
So, while it is easy to see someone making such awkward mistakes and decisions whilst drunk, what makes it trully horrendous is intentionally pursuing such a move. Really, never, ever decide to leave major life decisions up to an alchoholic stupor. Except college admissions, I'd probably be happier if I was drunk then.
Also, there's potentiality that either girl reads this. Making this post itself a lurking terrible decision.
-P.T.

Terrible Decisions 1.0

When the first caveman bumped his head against a stalactite, he said, and I quote, "Ow". Two days later, that same caveman bumped his head against that same stalactite. They were not smart in those days.

BUT, two days later, he saw his cavebuddy walking into that same precarious situation and he said "Uk!" His pal stopped short at the last minute, and was spared considerable agony.

Pat and I have been making terrible decisions for years. We don't know why God chose us. Some people are good at math. Others compose music. Our lives are symphonies of discord, equal parts missed opportunities and missed stair steps. But then we realized, because we're so good at choosing horrendously wrong, we can help people. As ardent Zionists and Calvinists, respectively, we feel it is our duty to mankind to let them learn from our mistakes. We want to tell you, no, don't get wasted, pee your pants, then knock on your girlfriend's door at 4 in the morning. We want to tell you: Uk!

So we will be hurting ourselves for you so you don't have to. I will start. For the purpose of this exercise, I will number the bad decisions for you. We may or may not in the future.

I had the day off from work, and so I decided TGIF! Rum and cokes at 9 AM! (1) And what goes better with a drunken stomach-ache before noon than watching BET Comicview? (2) Nothing! Pretty soon, the caffeine caught up with me, and I decided, I shouldn't be wasting my day off in front of the television! (3) Instead, I need to get caught up on all those projects I've been neglecting. First off, laundry. You should always do your laundry drunk. (4) That way, you'll be sure not to check the pockets of your jeans for anything that doesn't belong in the laundry. Say, an mp3 player. (5) When I got the pants out of the dryer, and discovered the error of my ways, it only made sense to fall into a fit of rage and throw the device against the wall (6), thus ensuring it would certainly never work again. Then I rode my bike while drunk to get a sandwich. (7) They can't give you a DUI on a bike, right? (8?) This is how you should spend your free time. (9) If you're not watching MAD TV, that is. (10)

So there is an exercise in poor life decisions. Alcohol is often, but far from always, a factor. The most important catalyst? Just sucking at life. SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

-Andy